Awkward Phases

Throughout our lives, we go through many awkward phases. When we think of “awkward phases” we think of that beautiful age where puberty is just beginning. That’s when we are gawky and we are losing our childhood cuteness and transitioning in more ways than one. Typically that was the time of our lives we had braces, had glasses before we felt comfortable moving over to contact lenses and I feel like pretty much all of us had some type of awkward hairstyle (cowlick anyone?). But honestly, do we ever stop being that gawky, awkward 5th grader or whatever age you hit your awkward phase? It’s often those stages of adolescence that shape our futures, I think. It’s where we leave the beautiful naiveté of childhood and finally have to face feeling insecure. Many of our adult insecurities about how we look, how people perceive us, if people like us, wanting to fit in, etc manifest from this stage. So it does stick with us. For me, I’ve been awkward my whole life, and not in a bad way necessarily.

From childhood I was always odd. Like a whimsical fairy being. Fluttering around the yard in my pajamas singing to myself and creating my own little fairy tales (which I said out loud for the whole neighborhood to hear). I was partially this fanciful, creative child but also an old soul from day one. At times I was like a little adult in a child’s body. Strange but unique. Honestly, my awkwardness has defined my life. Struggling to feel like I really fit in anywhere or that people really understood me. I always looked at the world very differently than my peers and in all truth, I NEVER understood my peers, not really. I felt like an alien amongst many people. As I got older and learned I was a lightworker, this all began to make sense. It wasn’t a negative thing at all, it’s a positive actually. And in all honesty, seeing the way many people behave and are… why would I want to understand many of them or fit in with them? Many people love violence and thrive on negativity, people bully others and think it’s funny to watch people humiliated, we live in a world dominated by ego (the selfie obsession, anyone?) so why would I want to fit into that world?

I’ve had more awkward phases than many, quite possibly. My whole life has felt like an awkward phase. They just transitioned from one form of awkwardness to another. And every awkward phase grew from me trying to find my proper place within every transition life brought me- college, graduating college, new jobs, moving, so on and so on. As one chapter ends it’s always awkward for all of us, there’s a level of uncertainty and a fear of letting go of what once was. But you have to change the mindset to whatever I lose was meant to be lost and no longer serves my highest good. What lies AHEAD is better than what was left behind. It’s all subjective, though. Because how the experience goes really depends on US and not the situation or circumstances themselves. We can choose to look at the new beginning as a positive and move forward to build and create better OR we can cling to what was believing that was our finest glory and things will never be as good as they once were. The past can be a dead weight if we let it. It can hold us back and prevent us from reaching happiness and purpose. The idea that what once was is better than what is ahead isn’t true. Life is all about progression so I believe better always lies ahead of us, if WE only take the bull by the horns and seize that fresh start. It’s up to us, God and the Universe can help guide us and send new opportunities but it’s up to us what we do with it. We have free will to mess things up. And having a negative mindset never did anyone any good. Clinging to a once beautiful past never gave anyone a bright future. It either blinds us to the good in our lives today, prevents us from seizing those good opportunities or it blocks us from receiving the blessings awaiting us. A fresh start is an opportunity, not a guarantee. Whether it’s positive or negative depends solely upon us. Universe cannot do everything.

When I chose to move out to Colorado I saw this solely as a positive opportunity, a blessing. A chance to build a new life for myself, something that resonates better with me. I’ve always looked at it as a positive and that although building a new life somewhere new takes time and patience that the reward is not too far in sight and eventually I will reach it. COVID definitely tested my faith, hope and patience. It’s difficult to embrace this fresh, beautiful start when you have something so serious standing in the way, but what can you do but stay positive and hopeful? Saying woe is me isn’t helpful. I have to look forward to a brighter tomorrow. There’s no other option! I went through a phase in my life a long time ago where my credo was, woe is me. Never again do I want to be in that dark place, it was toxic and unhealthy. I grew past that. You’ve got to learn to take life as it comes at you, that’s all you can do. And just believe in your heart, even when there are fires and darkness around you, that things will get better. Everything is temporary, especially grief and disappointment. Eventually, Universe sends us a blessing if we are wise and awake enough to notice and brave enough to go for it.

I find myself recently, after a year of Colorado life, in a Limbo period, an in-between phase. And it is totally awkward and uncomfortable for me. I’ve been ruminating on it for weeks now. It’s the in-between period of letting go of my old life and fully diving into my new life here. I miss many aspects of my “old life” in the Northeast, I admit that wholeheartedly. I miss seeing my family more frequently and I miss my amazing friends. I miss our weekly wine tours and adventures. I miss the Friday night wine nights to blow off steam from the week’s frustrations. (Yes, there’s a recurring theme here with my social activities… wine!) I miss many aspects of my old job (which has drastically changed from when I left and honestly I’m glad I left before COVID changed everything). It’s the people that I miss. Relationships are always paramount to me. I am a Libra and we are the relationship sign of the zodiac, relationships are top-priority for us and we hold them dearer than anything and more than any other sign. It’s hard sometimes to accept my loved ones’ lives are moving on without me and mine without them. We still have each other always but distance absolutely changes things. On the bright side, it makes those few times we get to visit that much more special and wonderful. I am definitely a FOMO person (fear of missing out). So the idea of my friends doing the typical outings we did together without me, yeah it makes me wish I was there. I never begrudge them for going out and having fun together, I just wish I could magically teleport there myself. If I could have a wish granted, it’d be for teleportation. (It would also massively assist me in my desire for travel!)

So this is my current awkward phase, caught between the past and the future. My life here in Colorado hasn’t fully gotten the greenlight yet to really take off and be fully embraced because of the state of affairs. But I have done my absolutely best I can to enjoy it as much as I am allowed to and can in good conscience. For COVID happening, I’ve actually done a lot and I’m super proud of that. But I’m still slightly barred from enjoying many experiences I want to. But the way I see it, EVENTUALLY it’ll happen. This will not last forever. I wish to fully embrace and dive into my life here but there is a string tying me back to the Northeast, well to my friends and family rather than the location. It’s awkward as I am learning how much I need to let go and how much to hold onto. I cannot live my life completely wrapped up in my friends back East, I need to release some attachment to a degree in order to be happy and embrace my life here in the most positive way. It’s a balance. It’s about finding a harmony within it. Harmony and balance are what I always seek in life (another Libra quality). All my life I’ve wanted harmony and balance, peace in my life really. And I believe with every piece of my heart, Colorado is that place for me but my next step in this journey requires finding a balance between the old and the new. This is not my way of saying I’m cutting ties with my true friends back East. Absolutely not, never! My true friends will always remain in my life as long as possible. I am not the type to cut ties with people first (unless it is absolutely a draining, toxic situation for me), I usually wait until they cut the tie with me first. So if friends let me go because distance has separated us, I won’t be upset. It’s part of life. But I need to learn how much to hold onto, how invested to be, how much to get involved. I cannot get too involved that I stop living in the present moment out here. I can’t be here if I’m keeping my heart back there.

So I’m learning to leave a special piece of my heart back with my loved ones in the Northeast while also keeping my heart awake, present and full out here. It’s interesting for me because I’ve never had to face an issue like this. But through practice I’m sure I’ll master it eventually. I am fully committed to my life here and making it as amazing as it can possibly be, that’s my goal and vision. To do so, I need to let my heart hurt a little as the last chapter of my life closes. You cannot begin a new chapter without closing the previous one, though. And there has been a reluctance to a degree in me to completely close the chapter. The people who belong in this chapter will show up in this upcoming chapter. Closing the old one doesn’t meaning severing the meaningful connections. Life is like a train, people get on and get off at the proper moment and you have to let it be. This awkward phase of feeling caught in-between 2 special chapters of my life will conclude with letting go and embracing the new, embracing the change with a positive mindset and allowing something brand new to manifest. It’s tough and it’s strange. Transitional phases are important but, man, are they uncomfortable! They force us to be true to ourselves and to grow in ways we never imagined or contemplated. But if you go into with a positive and hopeful mindset, focusing on the dream and the goal, it always leads to a positive outcome. I have to believe that, I have to embrace that 100%! I feel like that awkward 10 year old girl with the cowlick in my bangs, braces and glasses again. Tall and gawky, awkwardly thin and tall, taller than the boys. Hesitant but also determined. Uncertain what to do. Seeing the endgame but not knowing how to get there. Flustered yet also excited. I am caught in-between a great big, beautiful tomorrow and also feeling heartbroken about letting go of my old life and a chapter of my life that I enjoyed. It was a good chapter of my life, but what if, just what if, THIS one could be great?! Stay tuned, we will find out! 🙂

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